Friday, December 16, 2016

Why I Dislike the Sharing Years

When you become an empty nester and your grown up kiddos have significant others you are quite quickly introduced to what I call, the sharing years. The sharing years mean that you'll be sharing all BIG and IMPORTANT holidays with that 'other family'.

We have to share with two of those 'other families' this year and, even though I absolutely LOVE those other people, I do not love sharing my girls during the holidays. Most of you know that I have four daughters who are DA BOMB x 4 and yes, I know we don't say, 'da bomb' anymore but I'm making a point here- even when there is only one MIA during a holiday celebration, that's the one I think about and miss terribly.

No, I do not get angry about this. I'm not that kind of mom. I don't send them on a guilt trip (I can't believe you are choosing them over me. You must not love me anymore. PUL-EASSE). I'm not that kind of mom. I also do not manipulate them to get them to change their plans (But great-grandpa isn't doing well, this could be his last Christmas...right. It could be anyone's last Christmas, people. Just sayin'). I am NOT that kind of mom. I'm way more honest than that. If I don't like something, I tell them. Plus, who wants people to be home for the holidays because they've been guilted into it or manipulated into it or because someone would be mad if they weren't home? I don't. I want everyone to WANT to be home.

Not that we haven't joked about the sharing years. We do it all the time.
ME: Since you won't be here, I guess Santa won't need to fill a stocking for you.
The lovelies: MOM!!!

And I'm pretty sure I was kidding when I told Birdie that she couldn't take any of the cute Christmas outfits I bought for Baby M to 'THAT PLACE." (Smirk)

But those are nothing but jokes because of course, they get stockings regardless and Birdie can certainly take those cute clothes with them. My girls and I have always been close and we continue to be that way so, when they aren't here, they're calling and/or texting me (though NOT in front of their host families.) I appreciate that more than y'all know. But it's still difficult when one or more of them are not with us on a holiday.

It's not that easy for the girls either. The year my oldest spent Christmas with the other people, she was having a hard time so her sisters sent her a picture of them in their Christmas pajamas (they still get Christmas pajamas to this day) but instead of making her feel better, she cried and vowed never to spend Christmas away from us again. And she hasn't. That one doesn't do change. (Please note that she did not cry in front of the in-laws and they were quite gracious to her knowing that it was the first Christmas away from her family.) Then there's the year that SILExtraordinaire and Birdie weren't yet married (but he was considered part of the family) so he went to Indiana with his parents and we had a cardboard cutout of him that we included in all the pictures (which is something we might need to consider having for each of the MIA members during the sharing years.)

So, how do I deal with the disappointment of the sharing years? I remind myself that:
  • I am blessed by my daughters whether they are present or not
  • the mom of the significant other loves her adult kid, too
  • it doesn't matter what day we celebrate the holidays, as long as we do
  • nothing can break the bond I have with each of my girls
  • the sharing years are a fact of life and I have to deal
This year, I am reminding myself that when we gather two days after Christmas, I get all 4 of the girls together for a full week instead of 2 days! So, I'm winning this sharing thing! Not that it's a competition...

What can I say? I'm not perfect. I admit that I don't love the sharing years. I also admit that I love having them all here longer than the other people get them. But I won't be lording it over anyone. Y'all can't see that smug look on my face, can you? 

Ideally, I'd love for everyone to live close enough to gather together- our family, the other families, extended family- EVERYONE. Do y'all think Santa would work this out for me if I put it on my list? 

I know there are some empty nesters out there who are having a terribly difficult time with the sharing years and I wanted to address the issue in a post to help out a bit. The thing is, it's ok that you don't like the sharing years but you must remember it's not a personal attack, it's the only fair way to work it out. So, take a deep breath, find the humor, appreciate the times you do have together, and enjoy the ones who are with you during the holiday season. 

If you are alone on a sharing year, try hosting a friend gathering or volunteer at a homeless shelter or orphanage or hold the at-risk newborns at the hospital. You could make treats and deliver them to people who have to work on Christmas Day such as nurses or police officers... 

You might not have everyone home but you can appreciate those who are and connect digitally with those who aren't. There is no reason to spend the holidays alone with all the need in the world, there's a place for you to turn that sadness into a comforting smile for someone else. 

How do y'all deal with the sharing years?

20 comments:

  1. Good post. My oldest can't come home from Florida this year for Christmas because of work. But she was home a few weeks ago, so I'm trying to be satisfied with that. The youngest has to work Christmas day so we may not see her and the baby either. But we should see her either before or after and that's ok too. We'll go be with hubby's family and have a good time. I've worked many Christmases so I get it and I'm okay with it. I don't like it but I'm okay with it.

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    1. I'm sorry they have to work on Christmas! That just doesn't seem fair. It is difficult when they can't come home but we just have to understand work and that the other families love their kids too, don't we? I say I understand but that doesn't mean I have to like it. LOL Thanks!

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    1. They DO NOT call and text all the time they are with the other families nor do they do it in front of the parents. My girls are NOT RUDE. They never have been. When the oldest was in tears it was at her house (they lived only 20 minutes from her in-laws) not when the were at his parents house. No one but her husband knew she was missing us so terribly. They were quite gracious to her and made her feel right at home. No one here is being rude or disrespectful. This post was supposed to be a humorous one as well as making suggestions for my friends who are having such a hard time. I'm sorry about the way your DIL acts, but my girls are not like that.

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  3. Growing up, Christmas with Dad's side of the family was always the Sunday before Christmas and Christmas with Mom's side of the family was always the Sunday after. We had Christmas Day in our own homes. It was a fabulous way to grow up....THREE Christmas celebrations and no one was upset or felt left out. These days, our oldest and his wife don't celebrate Christmas - they have formed their own religious beliefs and don't celebrate anyone's birthday, including that of Jesus. Our youngest usually has to work and lives 1,600 miles away - but we get him this year!! We don't lay on the guilt either. Why?! We celebrate with friends, family when we can, and usually go to a movie. It works for us.

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    1. My parents' parents lived within 30 minutes of each other so we did Christmas Eve with one and Christmas morning with the other. Everyone joined in for Christmas dinner. It is different these days with so many living so far away. I'm grateful for the years I get everyone but I'm also grateful that the ones who have to share do so with such welcoming, loving families! If the none of the girls were here, I'd go celebrate with friends. You and Joe do it right, for sure! :)

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  4. Christmas does not need to be a production. Anytime your family is together can be Christmas. :)

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    1. The production is the part we love. Ha! Agreed, we will celebrate three times this year and two of those times won't be on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and that part won't matter one bit. :) Thanks!

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  5. When you are a split family, there's even more sharing going on!
    Janice

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    1. Oh goodness, I bet. I'd love to hear how y'all work it out!

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  6. We alternate the holidays with the 'other' families. Even so much of the time my kids in town manage to stop in for a visit. I'm like you I'd rather they are here because they WANT to be here not out of guilt Christmases that aren't on Dec 25 are still Christmas and with 10 grands are wild and wooly no matter which calendar day. Love your post and yes adjusting is a work in progress but it's progress. Hugs and Merry Christmas🌲💗☃️

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    1. I agree. It's fun and festive whether it's on the 25th or not. :) I can't even imagine having 10 grands but that would be just fine with me! Thanks, Sush!

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  7. Is not easy, is it?! Great post by the way. I'll never forget when daughter number 1 spent Christmas Day with her husband's family many years ago. . My younger daughter didn't like it one little bit, and kept saying that her sister should have been there with us on Christmas Day. I spent a long time saying that's what happens when you have a partner or married. We have to be FAIR!! We don't have to like it, but we have to think of the other set of parents, and be FAIR. Like you, I wouldn't dream of putting any pressure on my girls. As a mum, you just have to accept these things.

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    1. No, it isn't. I always think of the one that's missing. EXACTLY, Diane! None of the girls likes it when a sister isn't here but they've learned to live with it as have I. Being fair is no fun. LOL Thank you!

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    1. I am and I try to remember that every day. :) Thanks!

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  9. Great post Pam! I think the very first year the two oldest got married was the hardest. Now, not so much. But then I still have the two youngest at home, so its not much sharing. We just do Christmas Eve and then they can come home if they want Christmas Day because I always do cook, or they can stay home or they can go to the "other places." I refuse to make it hard on them as it was on Ron and I. Nightmare holidays no more. :)

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    1. Thank you, Kim! I refuse to make it hard on my kids either. It's just not worth it. Christmas is a good time, a happy time and putting pressure on anyone just doesn't fit into it. If we lived closer to each other, we could spend Christmas at each other's houses! :)

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  10. I never heard this called the sharing years. I consider it more the impossible to plan years. I first experienced this when I married and "discussing" visiting time with either side. I do want to see everyone but not necessary at the same time. Good post and some interesting ideas for sharing Christmas. Wishing you and yours a great one.

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    1. I had no desire to spend Christmas with the other side of the family during the holidays but they lived in the same town as us so, I couldn't get out of it. Ha! Thanks so much! Hope y'all have a wonderful holiday season!

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Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! It makes me feel connected to everyone even though we may live far apart! Have a wonderful day!

 
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