Monday, February 20, 2017

Boomerangers: What the Experts Say

This is re-post #2 on the Boomerang generation. My update is that one boomerang daughter has moved back out and is doing great! One down, one to go, as they say.

Boomerang Kids cartoons, Boomerang Kids cartoon, funny, Boomerang Kids picture, Boomerang Kids pictures, Boomerang Kids image, Boomerang Kids images, Boomerang Kids illustration, Boomerang Kids illustrationsOne thing I usually do when faced with a new-to-me situation is find out what the ‘experts’ have to say on the subject. Chalk this up to my education and the importance that my family puts on education. So, when things heated up in my house as the second daughter moved back home, I got a book. By a PhD (Susan Newman). Otherwise known as someone who thinks that all people are sweet and kind and nice and capable of working together and who also thinks that she knows it all because she has a PhD. This woman FAILED to cover the topic of difficult adult children moving back home.

PhD Lady writes: ..knowing how to understand the people you live with, evaluating and expressing your expectations--and sometimes lowering them--can help avoid disappointment and discord." (page 32)

Wrong.

First, don't bother having expectations. Having expectations almost assures disappointment AND discord. You become disappointed because your expectations aren't being met and then discord sets in because you are disappointed that your expectations aren't being met. It's almost like an infinite regress sets in.

That said, I did have expectations. I totally expected that my ground rules would be followed. Again, I had PhD Lady on my side as she feels that setting ground rules is important. I agree with this. But she never covers what to do when those ground rules are promptly ignored.

This woman is way more interested in pleasing all those involved than respecting those paying all the bills. In my mind, those adult children who move in with the parent are the ones to make the adjustments. If you’re footing the bill, everyone else can get over it. Seriously, if I moved in with either of my parents or my aunt, I would adjust to their lifestyle. NOT the other way around. And if I didn't, I'd be asked to leave. Immediately. Anyway...

PhD Lady says to have family meetings to set ground rules and let everyone take a turn running the meetings. Riiight. I'm pretty sure that, when you are the one paying for everything and no one else is even remotely chipping in, YOU get to run the meetings.

I don’t have to deal with the issue of drug or alcohol abuse, though I have considered it for myself lately. No. My problem is that all of the women in my family are strong, independent women who think for themselves. And about themselves. A lot.

They moved back in and they took over the house.

Perhaps my ground rules were just too much. I told both girls, at the onset, that they had to keep their rooms neat and clean. And their bathroom.  I also expressed the wish that they help keep the house clean so that not all of the cleaning fell on my shoulders alone. And that was it. Just be neat and clean.  

Apparently, that was asking way too much. Neither of their rooms have been cleaned-dusted, vacuumed, pick up since the day they moved in with the exception of the youngest who has done that in her room twice. If memory serves. Living in messes does not seem to bother them at all.

PhD Lady suggests that perhaps, if your adult children share more with you about their feelings and plans, you would be more willing to overlook said messes. Well, PhD lady, you're an idiot. Seriously. How would knowing more about anything change who I am about living in a mess? Unrelated sweetheart. Besides, sharing their feelings and their plans are not the issue. My girls share all the time. The mess is the issue. Because the mess resembles a frat house after a week long party.

Let it go. Just let them do whatever. PhD Lady writes that I should be the one to give in. PhD Lady has, apparently, never had to be the one who has to give in ALL THE TIME. Because she never mentions that it gets old. Fast.

I suppose my first ground rule was to state, emphatically, that I’m not the mommy who is here to raise them this time around. They are adults now. Not little kids. (Though, maybe I do need a re-do.)

There's about to be a revolution. If you see the mushroom cloud, fear not. It's just me. Taking back the house.

Or selling it and moving into a one room apartment. Whatever works.
Remember, y'all, we have to laugh our way through! 


14 comments:

  1. I have my oldest child, a daughter living with me right now, and I love it. We are great company for each other do lots of things together and she pays rent..her room is a mess, but I have learned to NOT go in there...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't go in my daughter's room either. She's never going to clean it up, she never did. Ha! We do share and have fun but the fact that I see no motivation to move back out is frustrating. She is here 24/7 and thinks that a job will fall in her lap. If I'm not looking for her, no one is looking. She doesn't pay rent. She doesn't have a car but expects us to provide her with one. Somehow the transition from being a kid to an adult was lost on her. Which is really bad as she's expecting her own in August. The youngest moved back for a couple of years after college but is out on her own and enjoying teaching first grade. The other two are also out on their own making their own way. I'm not sure what went wrong with this one. LOL She's a great person, but she's got to learn to be a responsible adult. And fast! :)

      Delete
    2. I think I missed something here? Expecting? What????

      Delete
    3. Yep. The oldest is expecting in August. She's not making it known on social media, though. That's why you haven't heard. Even though she's been done with the ex husband and those horrid, so-called friends of hers in NC, she's afraid they'll somehow exploit this news.

      Delete
  2. I agree, PHD lady is a PollyAnna! A friend gave her living in her basement son cleaning products for his birthday and mops for Christmas. She also used some tough love but got him out. He is now working with the homeless population. She thinks because he was almost one of them it gave him the empathy to help!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're thinking we may have to try some of that tough love here. The problem is, neither of us is good at that with the girls. Of course, we've never had to use it so, who knows? And who knows where this Princess attitude came from because I sure don't! LOL Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  3. As someone who had never had children, I am, of course, an expert on raising and dealing with children. That's a joke... But seriously, what I imagine myself, a total neat nick, doing is just closing the girl's doors and letting them live in their own sloppy mess. Wouldn't they one day just get sick of it and clean up? And with the door closed, you don't have to partake of the mess yourself. Anita

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL LOVE the humor! I do close the door. I learned that lesson when she was in high school. We have 4 daughters and 2 of them are the messiest things on earth, just like their dad. I and the other 2 are the opposite. The two who are the messiest, #1 and #4 both moved back in. #4 is out and teaching so one problem solved. The things is, NO. They mine do not get tired of it and clean it up. It's disgusting. What bothers me is the lack of respect and the expectations that we are supposed to provided everything for her- phone, car, food, etc. I can't get it through her head that she's not a little girl anymore. The mess is the least of it.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!

      Delete
  4. You know I totally get what you are going through. The hardest part for me was not being in control of their lives. It is now quite here with both of them gone. Your day will come!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do. I don't want to be in control of their lives but I do want to be in control of my own. And I want her to be in control of her own in her own home. :) I'm waiting but my sanity is just about shot.

      Delete
  5. I can so relate! I'm grateful I only had two children.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I'd only had 2, it would probably have been these two. LOL

      Delete
  6. Good post, Pam and it did make me smile, but I can understand how frustrating this must be for you. And I totally agree, if you are footing the bill. YOU should run any meetings! Did I pick up amongst all that, that another grandchild is on the way??!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Diane! I'm hopeful that she'll be moving in the next couple of months. Fingers crossed! And yes, there's another one coming in August. Lovely1, who lives here, is expecting. She doesn't want it all over social media just yet. She's moving in May or June, I hope, but she'll still be close, only 15 minutes away. :)

      Delete

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! It makes me feel connected to everyone even though we may live far apart! Have a wonderful day!

 
Design by Imagination Designs
Illustration by MerryLittleDoodle
Background by CinnamonDove