Thursday, May 31, 2012

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

We had to drive 5 hours to attend the wedding on Memorial Day weekend. It was well worth the effort as a splendid time was had by all!

But, all along the way, I noticed so many signs. Of stupidity.

And not just where other drivers were concerned. The actual signs themselves were often stupid. Like the one there on the left.

Really? You have to tell people not to stop on the railroad tracks? Who doesn't know that you should NOT stop on the railroad tracks? Who doesn't know that the likelihood of getting hit by a train increases dramatically when you stop on the tracks? Who doesn't know that stopping on the tracks when a train is coming results in imminent death?

Seriously, I'm thinking that if someone is stupid enough to stop on the tracks....

And then there's the discussion between the husband and myself about the sign on the right over there.

The husband: "What the hell does that sign mean?"  
Me: "I believe it means slippery when wet."
The husband: "What, so the road is more slippery in this area than others when it's wet?"
Me: "Apparently so."
The husband: "I don't think that's what it means."
Me: "What does it mean then?"
The husband: (making 's' hand movements) "Don't drive like this."
Me: "You mean swervey?"
The husband: "Yeah. I mean, what else could it mean?"
Me: "Uh, Slippery When Wet."

I think I'm beginning to understand why they make a sign that reads, "DO NOT STOP ON TRACKS"

What I learned while on the 5 hour road trip to the wedding:
  1. There are ZERO decent radio stations once you leave the Charleston area. Thank God for iPods.
  2. The DOT (Department of Transportation) does not give a rat's a$$ about the gazillion pot holes and sizable cracks on I-26. 
  3. Playing the license tag game is no fun without the lovelies there to play along.
  4. The husband drives like we're in a car that's part of a video game being driven by a 14 year old boy.
  5. Next trip will require Valium. Or a plane ticket.
  6. It is DUMB to travel on a holiday weekend. 
  7. Women miss the hole in the toilet in public restrooms. How that is humanly possible I have no idea but they do. And it's disgusting. If I wanted urine on my toilet seat, I would go into the men's room. 
  8. The husband's driving is 100 times worse if he needs to use the restroom.
  9. There is no sense in yelling at the GPS in your phone. It does not listen. I'm guessing that, even though the voice on that thing sounds like a female, there's actually a man in there. 
  10. The only thing I miss about living in the upstate is the way the Kudzu looks hanging off the trees. 
Tips to a few certain people:
  1. If you own a gas station near the interstate, you really should: A. Keep it clean (Not a single restroom we stopped at was clean); B. Have more than one stall in the women's room; C. Keep the toilet paper stocked; D. Have the towel option for drying hands---that blow dryer is stupid; E. Make sure the toilet seats are not broken-particularly if you insist on only having one stall in the women's room; F. Make sure the locks on the doors work; G. Make sure you have hooks on the doors for women to hang their purses/coats/whatever.
  2. To the lady in front of us at Subway: Low calorie subway subs lose their low calorie status when you keep saying to the lady--with regards to the mayo--"More...more...more..." until you have about half a freaking bottle of the stuff on your sub. 
  3. To the DOT: Fix the damn holes and cracks.
  4. To the people in the fast lane: When the slow guy in front of you moves to the slow lane, that is your cue to speed up or move to that lane with him.
  5. To the young girl in the red car: Just because you're young doesn't mean you have to be stupid.
  6. To the guy in the gray truck: When the thought of changing lanes pops into your pea brain suddenly and without provocation, you should LOOK before you ACT. Moron.
  7. To the DOT, again: At one point we were on ONE road. It's name was (and I kid you not)- 73 South, 74 East, 220 South. We were on one road with three names traveling in two directions. Not funny. Make up your mind.
  8. To myself: no more watching of the Final Destination movies if that's all you can think of when you pass a logging truck.
  9. To the DOT (yep, one more time): Why can't we have pretty flowers in the medians on SC roads like they do in NC? If we're going to have to suffer with the roads being in treacherous conditions at least we can enjoy the scenery. 
There will be more about the trip home soon...stay tuned---
Did you travel over the holiday weekend? Or did you play it smart and stay at home?


  1. Ok, much of this cracked me up because I road travel regularly : )P.S. Seat Sprayers should have their pictures posted and be banned!

  2. My husband and I wonder if the roads and other drivers have actually gotten worse or if we've just gotten less patient the older we get. Either way - I'd rather stay home. :)

    Oh, that logging truck scene? Shudder!

  3. This post was so funny--and I can identify with so much of it! LOL

    How DO so many ladies manage to sprinkle on the seats???

    My hubby drives like a wild man, too, which is why we stay home a lot more!!!

  4. Mom- I would go absolutely NUTS if I had to travel a lot! I totally agree with you about the seat sprayers! How do women do that?

    MMS- That's a good point. Though I think it may be a bit of both! :)

    Kathy- I know, right?! Seriously, even squatting it should be easy to hit that huge opening. LOL I feel your pain (fear?) with the driving.

  5. I have had thoughts like this many times but would have never thought to write them down. You do Final Destination movie deals in your head too? Gee, I am so jumpy. I told my husband just on the short trip to Wal Mart, Gosh you drive like a crazed animal. I did feel like I was shaking when I got out of the car.
    I never travel on holiday weekend. Ever. It just freaks me out to have so many people around every where. I think I am turning into a hermit.
    Very funny post!!!

  6. Kim- I feel like I'm turning into a hermit also. And I think I like it that way. LOL I know I wouldn't go anywhere if I lived where you do- such a lovely farm! And chickens! And I still want some chickens! Stupid civic club by laws. :)

  7. Funny post, and oh, so true! I always wonder why women who spray the seat don't have the decency to wipe it off. And, those slow drivers who stay in the fast lane drive us craaaazzy!

  8. Darlene- Right, but how do they spray on the seat to begin with? LOL

  9. Natural selection. If we just did away with all the warning lables/ would all just sort itself out, right?

    The other day I purchased a frozen meal for my grandmother. Printed on the plastic cover were the words, "Do not eat the film." Seriously?? I thought that was the best part! All chewy, gives the carrots a nice glaze. Just because I haven't moved my bowels in a week....

  10. There is a visitor center near us. A sign was placed on the highway that has just a big blue question mark on it.I suppose it's to tell folks that they can stop there if they have questions, but it looks like such a product of a moron! There should be a sign just under it that says "What the..."!

  11. Chantel- Absolutely! LOL You're hilarious!

    Patrice- Hahaha! I'm surprised I didn't see one of those around here! LOL

  12. Very funny! Almost makes plane travel look good. No, it doesn't.

  13. Oh, I'm laughing so hard. What woman on a road trip hasn't had at least ALL of the experiences you've documented?
    Our roads don't get fixed until the summer...then you get to wait for hours while the flag people get their SIGNS organized.
    Too funny- made my day. Looking forward to the trip home.

  14. Wow, that's a lot of stuff. The toilet thing, yeah, I'm with you there.

  15. Nothing like a road trip! Actually I looked and they show that sign in slippery when wet and also curvy road ahead. Signs vs common sense don't you think?

  16. Great post, still laughing about the conversation with your Hubby!
    The furthest I traveled over the weekend was to our home in Loveland..49 miles! We stayed home and had my son's family,and his in-laws, for a Sunday BBQ.
    I have become a hermit, could stay home and never venture out if it wasn't for that thing called WORK!

  17. LOL! I guess driving in SC is not quite as boring as driving in the Chaco. Sounds like you had a lot to "observe"...hahaha

  18. GP- That's what I thought too. LOL

    Stephanie- Glad you got a kick out of it! I couldn't believe some of the things I was seeing- what a bunch of idiot drivers we have! And those signs! Good Lord. :)

    Jill- Right? How do they do that?

    LP- Thanks!

    Debby- I looked it up too after we got home. All it showed here was slippery when wet. But I'm pretty sure that don't drive swervey wasn't one of the options. LOL

    Shawn- He's a nut case for sure! Sounds like y'all had a nice time! But I'm with you on the hermit thing!

    Betty- Oh it's never boring! Scary, yes. Stupid, yes. Ridiculous, yes. But never boring. LOL

  19. Oh, my gosh, I was laughing while reading this and I just drove from Arizona to Ohio a week ago, so I feel your pain :)

  20. Lucy- Oh no! I bet you have even more interesting stories to share! LOL How long of a drive was that?

  21. I laughed all the way through this.
    And truly, how does one deal with all the annoying things in life if we can't laugh at them. :-) And I still don't get why on earth they were married on Memorial Day weekend.

  22. oh how I love you and your writing my love! We are heading for a 5 hour drive to visit the sister in law in Portland, OR in a couple weeks and so this post had me smiling the whole time!!!

  23. Thanks for the laughs...I didn't laugh at your discomfort but at your talented way of telling us.

  24. Judy- That's the truth. You can imagine how much laughing we do around here. LOL I don't get it either, but thankfully, it's OVER.

    mm-Glad you got a kick out of it! Think of me on your trip- I'll be sitting right here at home! Forever! LOL

    Gail- You're quite welcome! Of course, I knew that. LOL

  25. That drive home wasn't stressful at all, was it? : ) I love signs...we kinda collected great sign pics in England. It's loaded thanks to our different takes on the same language. Have a great week!


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