Thursday, April 7, 2011

F is for Fences

Even if I didn’t prefer colder temps to hot ones, there are still reasons that I would take winter over spring and summer.  I prefer winter holidays to spring and summer ones.  I prefer cool breezes over hot air blowing around.  I prefer a practically empty beach over a tourist infested one.  I prefer enjoying my morning walks instead of sweating through them.  But, coming in at number one, the main reason I prefer winter over the spring/summer months is that certain neighbors avoid being outside during the winter months.  Why is this so good?  Because they are a constant pain in the ass the minute the weather warms.  And, if I wasn’t already aware of the fact that spring has sprung around here, I would be reminded by the loud, obnoxious, vulgar, argumentative, abusive, irrational, intrusive presence of DrunkFemale and JerkFaceMale.  No, I am not exaggerating.

We are quite fortunate to have wonderful neighbors across the street and on one side of us.  Even our ‘back door’ neighbors are wonderful.  Heck, our neighborhood is full of really nice people.  However, on what we refer to as the ‘bad’ side are the neighbors from hell.  No lie.  The family who lived in the house before the couple from hell were the best neighbors EVER.  There were about five families of neighbors who all got together for cookouts and other such gatherings at each others houses.  Even our children played together.  Our lives might have resembled a typical family neighborhood from the 1950s--all Norman Rockwellish.  But all that ended when the Wilson family moved and sold their house to DrunkFemale.  We still haven’t let the Wilsons live this down. 
When DrunkFemale first moved in Breezy was in the fifth grade which means this all began about 15 years ago.  The very first conversation with the new neighbor went like this:

DrunkFemale: (late afternoon, dressed in nightgown, cigarette in one hand, big plastic cup in other hand, her breath reeking of vodka {don’t tell me vodka doesn’t have an odor} and swaying slightly back and forth): Hey.  Y’all get high don’tcha?

Me:  (words oozing sarcasm): Oh sure we do.  The kids too!

DrunkFemale:  GREAT!  Cuz I got some potforsale.  Justletmeknow when you need sum.

I simply cannot put into words how completely thrilled I was to have her for a neighbor. (And, yes, I did report her to the school and they did contact the police but nothing ever happened--except that the traffic to her house died down).   

When DrunkFemale finally settled on JerkFaceMale as her companion (and this was after going through several alcoholic/druggies) life did not get any better with the neighbors.  Due to the nature of our neighbors on the ‘bad’ side, when they are outside, we pretty much plug into our ipods while in the backyard. People have given us a myriad of ideas on the subject of how to deal with ‘difficult’ neighbors from “Just yell over the fence” to “Call the police.” Mostly, we have decided to remain silent and ignore them in the hopes that they will return the favor. And, for the most part, this has worked fairly well.  However, when they are in their backyard and have been partaking in some alcoholic beverages (ok, when they’re drunk which means all the time and especially on weekends) they get loud and obnoxious and are suddenly very tuned in to our business. I am beginning to think that they believe their privacy fence blocks voices as well as views.  At this point, we simply plug into our ipods and life in the back yard is peaceful once again.  The silver lining in all of this (besides the fact that I cannot hear them when I am plugged in) is that I have discovered that Mozart + Gardening = A most delightful morning!  So, even though those neighbors are rude and intrusive at the least, I must give them credit for some of the most enjoyable mornings I have ever experienced.   

The two of them are known throughout our subdivision as that drunk couple and we are known as those poor people who have to live next door to them.  The neighbors on the other side have had it bad too.  One instance, as reported by OtherNeighborMale:

4:30 a.m.  BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!!! on their door.  OtherNeighborMale jumps out of bed and runs to the front door thinking something terrible has happen with one of their (grown) children.

OtherNeighborMale: (throws open door in a panic) DrunkNeighborFemale!  What’s wrong?!

DrunkNeighborFemale:  Doyouhafasigeret?

OtherNeighborMale:  Do you know what time it is?

Every single Sunday morning around 7:00 a.m., only when it’s warm outside, these two are in their backyard yelling obscenities at each other.  One morning they were literally arguing over the name of someone’s kid.  It was LOUD AND OBSCENE and I thought it was going to come to blows.  And we have to listen to it every single weekend during the warm and hot months.  Which means it can last as long as eight months out of each year. 

A recent conversation that took place in their front yard:

JerkFaceMale:  Are you gonna hep me?

DrunkFemale:  utters a stream of incoherent words.


DrunkFemale:  utters a stream of incoherent words.

JerkFaceMale:  YERDRUNK!

DrunkFemale: NOAHMNOT!


DrunkFemale:  utters a stream of incoherent words.


The folks that live behind these two don’t let their kids out in the backyard.  Neighbors in front of us can hear them from their backyards.  DrunkFemale will yell at anyone who tries to do yard work on the weekends because it’s too noisy.  Really?  

Both of them believe that, just because they are neighbors, they are allowed to do whatever they want on their neighbor’s property.  When our golden retriever was still alive they used to walk over and dump their leftover food in the yard for him.  We didn’t want them doing that because Buddy had a particular diet to follow.

Hubs:  We don’t want you to feed Buddy please.

DrunkFemale: Why not?

Hubs: He follows a particular diet.

DrunkFemale: Whaturwespozedtado?  Weduntwunttathrowitout.

And they continued to feed our dog.  They didn’t agree with us so they kept on.  We even tried posting a sign.  Finally, Birdie went to college and wanted Buddy to live with her.   Our idiot neighbors then tried to feed a dog two doors down and across the street.  Those neighbors threatened to call the police.  I think DrunkFemale just does it now when she knows they aren't home.  
Fences don't seem to be making such good neighbors around here-there's just not enough separation.  Is there any way to soundproof outside? 

This is the 6th day of the A-Z Blog Challenge for the month of April.  I decided to try this challenge in the hopes of keeping some momentum going; getting my brain to stay warmed-up; and trytrytry to improve my writing--well, really, to find my voice.  Just click the badge on my sidebar to join in the challenge!  


  1. We had neighbors like that at our Condo but thankfully they moved. Even though they lived across the pool (facing us) we could hear their drunk @$$''$ screaming at each other.
    One day we were at the pool, the drunk woman was stumbling around, outside of the pool. She started screaming at Hubby "whada*&@kyalookinat" ..Hubby said in a calm voice "a drunk" then went back to reading his book.

    Thank goodness all other neighbors have been terrific, and our neighbors in Loveland our fantastic.

  2. Shawn- It is so annoying, to say the least! We keep hoping that they'll move...or fall off the face of the earth. LOL

  3. My current neighbors are looking like saints now....

  4. What a shame that you can't enjoy your own backyard! There's nothing more annoying than a drunk--and you have two of them :( to deal with...

  5. It is really ashame that neighbors can really make life miserable sometimes. We had a neighbor one time that thought their yard looked good just growing natural. That was probably the worst that we had to put up with.
    Good luck with them.
    I think fall is the best time of year, not too hot, not to cold.


  6. What a horrid situation. How irritating that you have to be plugged into an i-pod just to spend tolerable time in your own backyard!

    There's lots of room in Wisconsin, and our closest neighbors are about a quarter of a mile away...

    So sorry you have this problem. :-(

  7. What a great post (fence) sorry... lol..

    We too have nice neighbours apart from the weirdos to our right..

    I thank someone for small mercies though after reading about yours.. 'cause they are horrors!

  8. Betty- Pretty sure we've got two of the absolute WORST!

    Kathy- I know and Hub's sister is like that too, so we even have one in the family---well, he does. I refuse to deal with her.

    Susan- You wouldn't believe what they did to their front yard- they got tired of mowing grass so they killed all of it and now they either have weeds that they don't cut OR they cover it with the red wooden chips...lovely.

    Judy-Maybe we should consider a move to Wisconsin...wait, too cold! LOL

    Clare and Gary-LOL Nice pun! They really are horrors. They've been thrown out of the neighbors yard across the street from them. As more people take that attitude, maybe they'll move. We can only hope.

  9. ugh, that would be my nightmare!! Honestly, I would move. I need peace...

  10. Jessica- I know. We think about moving but Hubs is still working and it's nearly impossible to move around here--our house cost us 65,000 when we bought it and appraises at nearly 300,000're sort of locked in for a few more years. It really is a nightmare.

  11. I am having a great time visiting all of you who were brave enough to pick up this challenge and seeing all the different slants on each letter of the alphabet.

  12. After reading this, I said a quick prayer of thanks that we live in a slightly rural area. Our closest neighbors rent their house from us.

  13. Desiree- I'm enjoying reading everyone's too! You should join in the fun!

    Laura-Lucky duck! I wish our neighbors lived somewhere else. Any where else!

  14. After suffering for years with some dreadful neighbors - one man was done for murder - we are now truly blessed with wonderful neighbors on all three sides. It doesn't get any better than this.

  15. Stephanie- I'm coming to live in your neighborhood! Don't worry- I'll leave my neighbors far behind! LOL

  16. I only had time to skim this superficially last night...but I'm back now and have read it comprehensively. I really do feel for you...and while this is probably very unPC for me to say...what a pity there isn't any way to have them "evicted"! One wonders how they are able to afford to live there in the first place?! I can only imagine what their house and yard must look like!

  17. Desiree- Her parents left her money. And she works---as a physical therapist--although, should she lose her current job, she probably won't be able to get hired anywhere else. She's lost a number of jobs since she's been next door.


Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! It makes me feel connected to everyone even though we may live far apart! Have a wonderful day!

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